June 25th is National Catfish Day! Plop some greasy breaded fish slabs onto a paper plate with some coleslaw and corn bread, pour yourself a sweet tea, and read about the mighty catfish!
The catfish is one of the most horrendous looking fish around, which means it’s one of the best. The uglier a fish, the better, in our opinion. Imagine a fish that doesn’t look like it came from the underworld. That’s a boring fish!
A good fish looks like it was created from mud and rocks by a wizard. Even the name catfish implies the unnatural, the uncanny. Things that shouldn’t be.
They have long barbels, much like a cat’s whiskers. Just one more thing to graze your leg when you’re standing in the river, thinking you’re safe. You fool! You’re never safe when the catfish is here.
In Thailand, they caught one that weighed 646 pounds! Imagine if that thing got in your house. Are you strong enough to fight something that weighs that much? Probably not. You better hit the gym. Leg day will come in handy when the catfish learns how to breathe on land.
Japanese folklore tells of Namazu, a giant catfish who lives underground and causes earthquakes when he moves. Fortunately for Japan, the god Kashima is on vigilant guard, holding Namazu down with a big rock. But sometimes Kashima falls asleep, and Namazu starts thrashing about, resulting in millions of yen in property damage above ground.
In our modern times, “catfish” has taken on a second meaning. That is, someone who pretends to be another person online. Let’s say you make a fake Facebook profile claiming to be legendary blues-pop/adult contemporary musician John Mayer, and you try to trick women into being your friend because you claim you wrote “Your Body is a Wonderland”. In this instance, you would be considered a catfish, and you should go to jail for Deceit. Or, perhaps, at least, forced to face Namazu in hand-to-fin combat.
Happy National Catfish Day!