Marriage! It’s a big deal. Before you commit yourself to one person forever, it’s generally a good idea to have several in-depth conversations with your betrothed. Conversations such as, “Hello, what is your name?” and “Would you like to marry me?” But that’s not all! Here are 14 things you should talk about with your fiancé before you jump the knot and tie the broom.
Money – Money, dough, bread, cheddar, scrilla, capital, whatever you want to call it. It’s a dominant force in our world and lives today, like it or not. Light a Suze Orman prayer candle and talk finances before you share your lives together.
How does he handle money? Does he make extravagant 2am eBay purchases, or does he put half his paycheck in a lockbox? Is he in debt? If so, how much? Just a couple student loans? That’s probably a little more manageable. But if he’s in over his head with mafia loan sharks who are trying to muscle in on his small business, perhaps that should take priority in his life. Maybe put the wedding off until he gets Tommy Sandwich and da boys off his back. (If he can! Yikes!)
Kids – Do you want children? Does he? If so, how many? What are some good baby names? How do you want to raise them? This is a very important discussion to have, as you are literally creating new people, which sounds like something only wizards should do.
Let’s say he wants nine children, all named Tammathan. He wants to raise the Tammathans to be free-spirited, homeschooled painters and mixed media installation artists. Whereas you want a single son named Henry, who you’ll promptly send to military school on his 6th birthday. This could cause tension. Even if you don’t want kids for a few years, it’s good to think ahead.
Location – It’s a big ole world out there! Full of so many exciting places and people! (Editor’s Note: The blog intern is not speaking from experience here. He is not allowed to leave the Blog Cube, and has never seen the sunlight.) With so many awesome places to choose from, it can be hard deciding where you two want to live! Do you plan on staying in your current city? Moving back to a hometown? Do you want to go abroad? If one of you wants to become a hermit in the Turkish hills, and the other wants to become a fixture of Buenos Aires’s nightclub scene, this difference will need to be addressed.
Religion – “Religion is the politics of the soul, and the business of the heart.” – Tiger Woods.
Is your fiancé religious? Is he “spiritual”? What does that even mean, for him? Is he Amish? Does he not believe in God, but still have an obsessive, borderline problem-causing interest in ancient Hebrew scrolls? Does he cry with joy whenever he gets near creeks, because he’s “overwhelmed by the cathedral of nature?” Spirituality is deeply personal and unique to each individual, and should be discussed thoroughly and with care so you both understand each other.
Household Labor – Okay, so you’ve decided where your house should be, how many kids should be in it, and what kind of holiday decorations you’ll be putting up. But who’s going to clean up around here?! There are dishes piling up, and something in the fridge smells like a butt factory!
Do you want a 50/50 chore split? Everyone just pitches in where they can? Do you want to do the traditional housewife thing? Does he want to be a stay-at-home husband? Is he afraid of vacuum cleaner sounds? If so, he may be a dog wearing a man suit, and you should report him to the dogcatcher.
Bills, Bills, Bills – That’s right! The Buffalo Bills, from the NFL. The whole team is coming to stay at your place for the weekend, impromptu. How do you and your husband plan to entertain them?
Just kidding! The Buffalo Bills have no interest in your life. We’re talking about money once again! Who is going to pay all these bills? Electric, water, gas, Internet, phone, streaming service subscriptions, gym membership, school lunch fees, feeding the members of the Buffalo Bills who live with you now, etc. Are you handling the brunt of this? Is he? Splitting it evenly? Are your parents chipping in? Have a plan! Livin’ ain’t free, darlin’!
Toothpaste Tube – Look at the way he squeezes out toothpaste. Observe carefully. Is it from the bottom or the top? Are either of these freakish to you? Find out now, before it’s too late. Keep detailed notes.
Toilet Paper Roll – Does he hang the toilet paper over or under? Do either of these bother you? Like the toothpaste tube, this is a seemingly minor thing that can potentially drive you to madness over time. It’s just a long slow drip of something being kind of annoying, until one day you finally snap! And decide to just throw away the toilet paper holder altogether! “Let the roll just sit on the toilet tank, in a neutral position, where he can’t hang it the wrong way ever again!” You cackle with evil glee as you stand alone in the bathroom.
Avoid this, through early communication and compromise!
Career – This guy got a job, or what? What line of work is he in? Does he want to work at all, or does he want to stay home, to help the Tammathans with their new gallery opening? What do you want for your career? Is he willing to help you open your tapas restaurant, or assist in your mayoral campaign? It’s important to support each other’s careers and dreams.
Argument Etiquette – What are your boundaries for an argument? Life is not a French movie. You can’t just slap each other, kiss passionately on a beach, and then call the argument finished. You must set boundaries, and communicate. Is name calling off limits? How do you most effectively communicate “I’m mad, but it’s not something you did” versus “I’m mad and it is something you did”? What are the ways in which you could both be better communicators?
Family – Are you going to hang out with each other’s family? How often? Do either of you have family members who you don’t want in your life?
Would you be amenable to his 45 year old cousin Curtis crashing on the couch for a while? C’mon, Curtis is between jobs but he’s looking really hard. He got kicked out of his apartment for playing loud death metal day and night, but I promise he won’t do that in the house. Baby please. Curtis is a good guy… and by the way, is it okay if his girlfriend Stephanie also moves in?
Boundaries come into play here as well.
Who Picks the Entertainment? – Who will be head movie-and-TV-show chooser around your house? Let’s say he wants to watch Gilligan’s Island and you want to watch Three’s Company. How do you come to an agreement? Or do you just do separate TV time? Do you love going to see the city’s best avant-garde improvisational jazz every night, while he prefers to stay in and read his ancient Hebrew scrolls by the fireplace? Figure out your mutual and separate ideas of a good time and make it work.
Bedroom Activities… – One of the most important things on this list. You have to figure out where each of you stand on bedroom activities: Pillow fights, building a blanket fort, telling ghost stories with a bowl of popcorn and a flashlight.
Just kidding, this entry is about SEX!! Wake up and pay attention!!!
Is there anything weird you need to know? Is he a furry? Are you a furry? Do you need to invest in a wardrobe full of leather clothing? Ask yourself again, are you a furry, but think harder this time. Be vulnerable, and have in-depth discussions about what exactly you two want and like, and in what quantity. Try to interpret each other’s dreams using Freudian symbols. Examine yourself…and each other.
Spanking – Are you going to spank?……Your children, weirdo. 😉
(Hah! You have been fooled by innuendo! You should see your face! Just a little joke to end the blog with. Please don’t be upset that we’ve tricked you.) But seriously, the manner in which you discipline your children is something that should be discussed with utmost sincerity and gravity.
Big disclaimer: it should go without saying that most, if not all, of these are in-person conversations. It’s best not to try to text about complicated interpersonal or financial issues. Unless of course it’s an emergency, like a text that says, “Honey there is a guy named Tommy Sandwich here & he’s asking about 100 thousand dollars you owe him lol wut do I say.” Or maybe your text is a little more “There’s water in the basement and the pilot light is out.” If you say this and George Clooney appears, you’re welcome.
If you and your fiancé talk to each other about all these things and many more, it will definitely help in the long run. Communication is key!